Ranking all of the NHL's mascots
It's the offseason and everybody is bored, so let's rank all of the NHL's mascots!
The boring, dreary days of the NHL offseason are upon us. Usually, this happens in August. But this is 2020, so of course this is happening in November, a week before American Thanksgiving.
Every year, I like to rank the NHL’s mascots. My feelings on each mascot change from year to year. Some years I like certain mascots. Other years I don’t. And because I love tiers, this year I’m introducing mascot tiers! From worst to best, here is where each mascot ranks compared to their peers.
Does Not Exist Tier
New York Rangers: To be fair, it’s hard to have a mascot when your logo is a shield and your team name was created by sportswriters. But come on. Give us something. It’s time.
Detroit Red Wings: No, Al The Octopus does not count because there is no costumed Al The Octopus. Also, Al has yet to make an appearance at Little Caesar’s Arena. Either give us a costumed octopus or come up with something else.
Creepy, and not in a good way, Tier
Minnesota Wild - Nordy is very creepy in a bad way for two reasons. First of all, what in heaven’s name is Nordy supposed to be? It’s never good if you can’t discern what a mascot is supposed to be. Secondly, much like Hunter, he looks like he’d rather eat kids than make them giggle.
Edmonton Oilers: Hunter looks like he wants to eat kids, not make them happy.
Lazy Tier
Dallas Stars - Victor E. Green is an alien with two hockey sticks sticking out of its head. Victor may look sort of cool, but it’s not fooling me. It’s just a Walmart brand Phillie Phanatic who went swimming in radioactive waste.
Ottawa Senators - Spartacat is a cheap knockoff of Bailey, who is an ELITE mascot. He’s neither cute, cuddly, or terrifying in a good way. Honestly, the Senators already have four mascots they should be using as mascots - their racing senators!
The Contradictory Tier
Colorado Avalanche - Look, Bernie the St. Bernard is freaking awesome. If he was the mascot of any other team, he’d be several tiers higher. But St. Bernards rescue people from avalanches. Do the Flames have a fire fighter as a mascot? Do the Jets have an anti-air gun as a mascot? Do the Canucks or Sharks have a harpoon as a mascot? No.
The Objectively Bad Tier
St. Louis Blues - Louie is a cool name for a mascot. But come on. A bear? Bears have not ties to St. Louis. It’s time for a mascot change. Make Louie a horse and you’ve got yourself a good mascot.
New York Islanders - Sparky is a very cheap knockoff of Spyro The Dragon, who is a national treasure. Also, there’s just way too much orange and blue.
Vegas Golden Knights - The Golden Knights have done so many great things to make their hockey games a unique, Vegas-esque environment. So why is Chance their mascot? He’s boring. Go with a peacock or something outlandishly ridiculous because that’s the environment the Golden Knights have created.
The Mediocre Tier
Anaheim Ducks - I’m not even sure how to feel about Wild Wing.
Washington Capitals - Slapshot could be so much better, but he’s sort of boring. Steal Teddy Roosevelt from the Washington Nationals and make him the Capitals mascot. Teddy would easily be a top 10 NHL mascot.
Chicago Blackhawks - Tommy Hawk is a nice play on words. Honestly, he should probably be their logo since, you know, the Blackhawks currently have a racist logo. That said, something weirds me out about Tommy’s eyes. Give him googly eyes and he’s probably top 10.
Vancouver Canucks - Finn is a pretty cool mascot. But much like Tommy, something’s just off about him. Make him cuter and he’s easily top 10. No question. Maybe even top 5.
Florida Panthers - Stanley C. Panther isn’t good by himself. But I like him with Victor E. Rat. More of the rat and I think the duo would be great.
The Good Tier
Columbus Blue Jackets - Stinger is pretty darn cool. But bring back Boomer The Cannon, make him cooler, and put them together as a comedic duo.
New Jersey Devils - The only thing holding back NJ Devil from being an elite mascot is his name. Bold decision by the Devils to actually have a Devil as their mascot, but NJ Devil is cute and cuddly enough to not be horrifyingly scary like you’d think a Devil would be.
Toronto Maple Leafs - I love Carlton the Bear. But come on, give his eyes some life. He looks like he’s seen some really bad crap in his life.
Arizona Coyotes - There’s so much to like about Howler. It’s intimidating, yet cute and cuddly. Those eyes are so sweet. And the “M” on the front of its sweater is a nice touch.
Boston Bruins - Usually, creepy eyes aren’t good. But they work for Blades The Bear.
Calgary Flames - Look, I love Harvey the Hound. But bring back Scorch. It’s time. 2020 deserves chaos, and Scorch would join Gritty to usher in an era of chaos and anarchy for mascots.
The Great Tier
Winnipeg Jets - I’m not going to lie, I’m a sucker for moose. And it’s not like Winnipeg could have an airplane for a mascot since Winnipeg doesn’t have an airport.
Carolina Hurricanes - Even if you don’t like the Carolina Hurricanes, it’s impossible to not love Stormy. The googly eyes do it for me.
San Jose Sharks - SJ Sharkie is what Finn from the Canucks should be.
Pittsburgh Penguins - Not only is Iceburgh cute and cuddly, he’s also a pretty great villain.
Tampa Bay Lightning - Thunderbug has everything you want in a mascot. Silly antennae, googly eyes, and a cute face.
The Elite
Nashville Predators - Gnash is awesome. Perfect combination of cute, cuddly, and intimidating.
Buffalo Sabres - Sabretooth is a better version of Gnash. Sort of looks like a cartoon, which should be mandatory for all mascots.
Los Angeles Kings - Bailey is iconic.
Montreal Canadiens - Youppi is the OG mascot.
The Best Mascot
For years, Youppi has stood alone at the top of the mascot throne. But a chaotic monster has overthrown him.
Philadelphia Flyers - Gritty is the best. Gritty is cute, cuddly, scary, and a complete jerk. Simply put, Gritty embodies the city of Philadelphia.
While you don’t think of St Louis as “Bear Country”, it was one of the largest Black Bear pelt trading posts from its founding in 1764 through the 19th century. The first currency in St Louis wasn’t the Écu (the French Currency at that time, it was Bear Pelts. Even as a territory of the US, it had a local currency with bears on it. Bears are basically the reason St Louis exists.